Foodie Quest

Ah, yes, my hungry little travelers. What you see before you is a cheeseburger, but AH! Be warned my darlings, this! This is no ordinary cheeseburger, oh no. What lies beneath this floury light bun is wrapped in mystery -- shrouded in secrecy and not for the faint of heart. To achieve the grandest of goals - the first bite of infamy, HEAVEN and the power that roils the mighty Mississippi you must first embark on a journey of great danger and possible sunburns. It is many miles in a land far, far away where the fries aren't sweating in grizzled grease under a midday sun. No, no these little crispities are unlike anything that you will taste in this world. But hush! What makes you so certain that this is your quest? Danger! River! Birds of prey swirling the skies above! Do you have the wherewith all to make it from your sheltered Minnesota home to the wilds of Southwestern Wisconsin, down the Great River to the safe haven held within the Monarch?
Ahhhh.... I see you are indeed a tenacious one, starved perhaps for the experience of traveling great distance for only one glory tinged meal, fit to return, two hours later by car, 3 if the great storms of Winona hold you back. Yes... my dears, I do see that you are strong and quite famished for your destination.
I will tell you how to go... Travel East, down the long and winding roads of Wisconsin 35. Follow the Old Man River and beware of falling rocks. The trees here grow tall and lush, the jutting rocks of the jagged hills and crevices will guide you, ever so gently East. Avoid the Monster Sticker Shock found at most Holiday Super Stores and fill yourself full before you leave.
There are many of the Hog Men, shrouded in black leather perched atop roaring steeds. Wave as you pass - showing kindness always brings you kindness in turn.
Eventually, you shall arrive in a land known as Fountain City. Just up the hill, on their main street lies the Monarch. The innkeepers are of a Celtic band and serve all manner of great meals. Best be getting this burger, though. Named for some, dear soul known only as Uncle Harry, this is his food. A perfectly tender, thin slab of meat topped with an age-ed cheddar cheese floating above a house made sweet tart mustard sauce mixed with sweet tender thin onion slices and salty, ripe green olives. Do not fear! As foreign as this does sound, you will be greatly rewarded for your quest. Soothe your thirst with one of their house brewed ales and savor your hard fought victory.