Don't Feed the Animals

7:00 am - Wake up with dutiful husband and start coffee pot. Fight over toothbrushes and wrangle frizz bomb. Kick Tabby out of kitchen. "Move-it fat ass!" Feel superior.

7:15 - Husband declares scrambled eggs for breakfast! Assemble sandwiches from leftover chicken, French bread and herb garden rosemary. Slather with Hellman's mayo - am awesome wife.

7:26 - Happily enjoy creamy scramblers and toast with mom's homemade strawberry jam while making note of Matt Lauer's hairline.

7:27 - Slurp coffee from Elvis meets Nixon mug from Graceland gift shop.

7:34 - Kick cat while hauling dirty dishes to sink, "Elijah! MOVE! Go find your sister." Ponder black cat's whereabouts.

7:37 - Smooch husband.

7:40 - Commute while reading Food and Wine.

8:23 - Yawn through main door wishing for second cup of coffee. Wave at awesome receptionist.

9:32 - Stomach makes contemplative rumble.

9:58 - Starving

10:12 - Rationalize eating lunch early despite lack of petty cash.

10:30 - Feeling... weak

10:32 - Spring from seat to retrieve glass of water. Kitchen smells like blueberry bagels. Gross and yet - YUM.

10:48 - Catapult from chair in kitchenal direction. Nearly take out company president when rounding corner.

11:12 - Brilliant sandwich. Teeth hurt from crusty bread.

11:25 - Confirm dentist appointment.

12:15 - Oh, you have got to be kidding me!

12:26 - March to food court next door.

12:28 - Nearly topple slow moving She/Man while trying to exit elevator allows plenty of time to examine odd/leathery in desperate need of Pro-Activ skin.

12:29 - Order sauteed spicy green beans in honor of Shim. Count out $1.93 in small coin change.

1:00 - Entire collection of beans eaten with chop sticks and now attempting to pick up tiny, salty chili garlic hunks from bottom of plastic container.

1:01 - Wipe spicy oil stain from work pants, desk and floor.

1:16 - Husband sends text message, "Chili Good. Herpes bad." Wha? Technically true, I suppose.

1:47 - Contemplate client snack foods stored in desk door.

2:12 - 100 Calorie Packets of Doooo-ritos-itos-itos-itos

2:13 - Hate Rihanna

2:14 - Guide little, baby Doritos by the half dozen from tiny bag into mouth.

2:16 - Those are just stupid.

2:20 - Chuck second tiny baggie with great disdain.

2:35 - The Old Dutch bags are small.

2:45 - Old Dutch potato chip bag crowns heap of discarded food garbage in bin by desk.

2:47 - Artfully camouflage garbage with used label sheet.

3:12 - Is there Ben & Jerry's at home?

3:21 - Will.Not.Eat.Candy.

3:38 - Laura sends email is having root beer float. Bitch.

3:43 - Haven't had any rum cake in at least a year and a half.

3:44 - Really am fond of rum cake.

3:45 - Not a cake sort of day anyway.

4:09 - Accidentally lick self-adhesive envelope.

4:13 - Husband sends lovey text message about day.

4:14 - Respond, "You are the mayo on my sammy." Hopeless romantics.

4:23 - Seriously. So done with this.

4:57 - Shut down.

5:03 - Clamor onto over-crowded train destined for Chili and homemade chips sans the HPV.

(There will probably be some Ben & Jerry's involved in this night. I ain't gonna lie.)