Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Don't Feed the Animals


7:00 am - Wake up with dutiful husband and start coffee pot. Fight over toothbrushes and wrangle frizz bomb. Kick Tabby out of kitchen. "Move-it fat ass!" Feel superior.


7:15 - Husband declares scrambled eggs for breakfast! Assemble sandwiches from leftover chicken, French bread and herb garden rosemary. Slather with Hellman's mayo - am awesome wife.


7:26 - Happily enjoy creamy scramblers and toast with mom's homemade strawberry jam while making note of Matt Lauer's hairline.
7:27 - Slurp coffee from Elvis meets Nixon mug from Graceland gift shop.


7:34 - Kick cat while hauling dirty dishes to sink, "Elijah! MOVE! Go find your sister." Ponder black cat's whereabouts.


7:37 - Smooch husband.
7:40 - Commute while reading Food and Wine.


8:23 - Yawn through main door wishing for second cup of coffee. Wave at awesome receptionist.


9:32 - Stomach makes contemplative rumble.


9:58 - Starving


10:12 - Rationalize eating lunch early despite lack of petty cash.


10:30 - Feeling... weak


10:32 - Spring from seat to retrieve glass of water. Kitchen smells like blueberry bagels. Gross and yet - YUM.


10:48 - Catapult from chair in kitchenal direction. Nearly take out company president when rounding corner.


11:12 - Brilliant sandwich. Teeth hurt from crusty bread.


11:25 - Confirm dentist appointment.


12:15 - Oh, you have got to be kidding me!


12:26 - March to food court next door.


12:28 - Nearly topple slow moving She/Man while trying to exit elevator allows plenty of time to examine odd/leathery in desperate need of Pro-Activ skin.


12:29 - Order sauteed spicy green beans in honor of Shim. Count out $1.93 in small coin change.


1:00 - Entire collection of beans eaten with chop sticks and now attempting to pick up tiny, salty chili garlic hunks from bottom of plastic container.


1:01 - Wipe spicy oil stain from work pants, desk and floor.


1:16 - Husband sends text message, "Chili Good. Herpes bad." Wha? Technically true, I suppose.


1:47 - Contemplate client snack foods stored in desk door.


2:12 - 100 Calorie Packets of Doooo-ritos-itos-itos-itos


2:13 - Hate Rihanna


2:14 - Guide little, baby Doritos by the half dozen from tiny bag into mouth.


2:16 - Those are just stupid.


2:20 - Chuck second tiny baggie with great disdain.


2:35 - The Old Dutch bags are small.


2:45 - Old Dutch potato chip bag crowns heap of discarded food garbage in bin by desk.


2:47 - Artfully camouflage garbage with used label sheet.


3:12 - Is there Ben & Jerry's at home?


3:21 - Will.Not.Eat.Candy.


3:38 - Laura sends email is having root beer float. Bitch.


3:43 - Haven't had any rum cake in at least a year and a half.
3:44 - Really am fond of rum cake.
3:45 - Not a cake sort of day anyway.


4:09 - Accidentally lick self-adhesive envelope.


4:13 - Husband sends lovey text message about day.


4:14 - Respond, "You are the mayo on my sammy." Hopeless romantics.


4:23 - Seriously. So done with this.


4:57 - Shut down.


5:03 - Clamor onto over-crowded train destined for Chili and homemade chips sans the HPV.

(There will probably be some Ben & Jerry's involved in this night. I ain't gonna lie.)

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