Thursday, June 29, 2006

You know what sucks?

Being broke. It's completly non-condusive to the sort of lifestyle that I wish to be kept in. Seriously, I work hard, I deserve some of the better things in life. I don't drive a flashy car, I live in a modestly sized apartment that is slowly falling apart at the seams, I dont' have any kids and only take cats the vet if their near death... Why don't I have more money?? I have not been out for a meal that doesn't come with a side of fries for WEEKS. This is inconceivable!! (idonotthinkthatwordmeanswhatyouthinkitmeans.) This is outrageous! And unjust! And you know what else?! French Fries are not figure friendly! NO! Eating some form of friend potato at every other meal is going to cost you. And not in the good way --where you might gladly pay for a fine bottle of wine. NO, I mean you'll be reduced to wearing cotton skirts with elastic waist bands, every other goddamn day. In the SUMMER!
I should be dining on things with "coolis" in the description, not with fucking Kelis playing on the piped in muzak. And NOT being asked, "Would you like fries with that?" Well, I hate watery iceburg lettuce doused in a ketchup layden "dressing" and I abhore those plain kettle chips that seem to have prolifferated faster than Britney Spears gossip So, yeah, bitch. I'll have the fries. And I'll eat them -- in fact, I'll do you one better --- I'll eat ALL of them, even though I'm not that hungry. You like that, you skinny whore? Yeah, that's right, I'm eating my fries, AND I'm wearing elastic, but you're lucky! Much more of this poverty and I'm going to have to bring back the stretch pants. That's right - I said it- stretch pants! Because this Ruebanesque figure will no longer be constrained within the bounds of regular sized clothing. And because, I can't afford to shop at Lane Bryant! Have you been there? Dear God what kind of scam are they pulling on us chubby girls? That's extorsion. And then I will be more broke. So, I'll have to start eating in the food court and slowly killing myself on fast food just because I'd like to be able to leave my hovel occassionally and enjoy a meal out. But no. Thanks to the classist society that says I'm going to have to pay for that price point if I want the pheasant breast over homemade linguini and porcini sauce, I'm no longer to enjoy the finer things in life.
I ATE MCDONALD'S FOR LUNCH YESTERDAY! For Crissake, what has happened to me?? I'm broke, pastey, fat and down. I want to poke Kirsty Alley in the eye and flush my fast food coupons down the toilet! But, no, here I sit. Another night I can't go out and write some witty reccommendation or searing indictment because I don't make enough money to keep me in the lifestyle to which I have grown accustomed.
So, now I have to go to a party that I have to bring my own meat, to. sigh.


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